Mass is a time of community, prayer, and a whole lotta holy. But sometimes my brain will not focus for the life of me. These are just a few of the things that can distract me during mass (this was pre-baby… kids add a whole new level of distraction to the list).
Enjoy, and feel free to add on your silly fears during mass. You know you have some.
1. Clothing mishap: Is my skirt too short? What about my shirt, too sheer? Do I look skanky? Oh jeez, I look skanky. I knew it. Everyone is going to think I’m not that Catholic and am clueless about modesty. I knew I should have worn pants and a turtleneck! Oh, but then what if people think I looked Amish? Or that I have poor taste in clothes? Whoops, we’re standing up for the Gospel and I’m not paying attention. I have to pay attention. Focus, brain!
2. Having to Use the Restroom: Wow, this homily is pretty amazing. I’m so glad I’m focusing. If only I didn’t have to use the restroom. Just ignore it. It’s not that bad. You don’t really have to go. Okay, so you really have to go. Why did I drink all of that water this morning? It’s supposed to be healthy to down all those cups, but now it’s just inconvenient. Dang it – I’m not focusing again and everyone around me is nodding at something the priest said. I missed it! But seriously, I need to use the restroom…
… Okay, I went to the bathroom right at the beginning of money collection. Perfect timing. All I have to do now is walk normally to my seat and wait for the Eucharist. But wait…what if I have toilet paper on my shoe? Did I check from all angles in the bathroom? I can’t be sure. I better check. Whoa, almost fell. How embarrassing would that have been? Oh crap, now my face is getting hot and I can feel myself blushing. Is that guy looking at me? Is he staring because I have an ENTIRE roll of toilet paper trailing behind me or because I’m blushing and tripping while looking at my shoes? I better go back to the bathroom to check. Just to be sure. So embarrassing.
3. Sitting next to that person who keeps coughing black-lung-style/wiping their dripping nose with their hand: Gross. That is so gross. Are they contagious? Is it airborne? Is it allergies or some weird virus that only has random letters and numbers to identify it? I better scoot a little further down, but not too much because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Okay, further away, that’s good. Eww! They just sneezed! I can see their germ particles floating in the air! Hold your breath, but not too obviously. Need to be polite. Uh-oh. The Our Father is about to happen. Thankfully we don’t have to hold hands anymore. Oh wait – the sign of peace! I’ll have to SHAKE THAT SICK PERSON’S HAND! I’m definitely going to get whatever tuberculosis-esque disease that person has. Lord, help me! Seriously, increase my immunity! Oh no… here goes. At least if this kills me, I should get some purgatory points, right?
4. Kneeling behind the person who decides to sit flat against the pew: Okay, now for my favorite part of Mass – Jesus! I have prime position on the middle of the kneeler. No awkward straddling across two kneelers for me! I hate when that happens. Okay, the priest is doing his thing, things are getting holy, thinking about how AWESOME Jesus is… Oh, ack! Person in front of me with lots of hair has decided to sit back. In my face. Don’t panic. It’s just a stranger’s hair. We’re all One Body, so no big deal. Just lean back a little. Okay, I’m now at a 45 degree angle on the kneeler. Good core workout. Do I look weird? I probably look weird. What if I just lightly rest my bottom on the seat? Just barely touching the seat so people know I’m technically still kneeling and NOT sitting, cuz then they’d think I’m too young or lazy to be sitting. So just a light perch… There. Oh, the music is starting! I love singing during communion! But… what if the person in front of me has sensitive ears or thinks my breath smells bad? What if I ruin their concentration? Maybe I should keep my mouth closed. But then people will see I’m not singing and think that I don’t care about Mass. Maybe I should turn my head to the side and sing away from her ears. Yeah, that should work. Doesn’t look weird at all.