Oh, how I wish there was an entry in the Catechism for questions such as these.
We have five children, the oldest is twelve and in seventh grade. And, if my gray hairs are any indication, he has asked us for a cell phone no less than one billion times.
The answer is still no.
I have heard all the fabulous reasons, both from him and the Internet, and I have seen all the photos on Facebook of my friends’ tweens and teens with a digital device.
Our answer is still no.
He just shrugs his shoulders which I can only assume means we’re the meanest parents on the planet. But I have to wonder if our desire to keep him cell-phone free until high school has some spiritual reasoning.
I know how hard it is for me to turn off my cell phone and listen to God.
I know how hard it is to ignore the “ding” when cooking dinner, running errands, reading to my kids, spending time with my husband or anything in between.
I know that sometimes when I hit an “out of area pocket” I often breathe a sigh of relief because it means I don’t have to check my phone for a text, call or notification.
I know that occasionally I’ll Google the wrong thing, see the search results and think DELETE, DELETE!
I know that I’m often glad I have the mental maturity to know when, and when not, to post a photo on social media.
I know that sometimes, it’s important for us as parents to put our foot down and tell our kids ‘no.’
Yes, there are valid reasons for kids having cell phones. Safety being the biggest. But, can someone please tell me why an 11-year-old needs an iPhone5? Anyone?
Our family’s approach with technology has been to accept it, but with caution and teaching along the way. Giving our kids a fully-loaded smart phone at the age of thirteen would be, in my opinion, irresponsible without first giving them the knowledge to manage such a powerful (and addictive) tool.
I’ve shared my tips before on managing social media with teens, and our approach will likely be the same with a cell phone. We’ll start small—phone usage—and after seeing some responsible behavior, add texting, photos and internet usage.
Ultimately, my husband and I had to ask ourselves: do we want Google teaching our children all the important life lessons, or do we want it to be us?
How have you successfully navigated the land of teens and cell phones? Any tips to share? Please comment below and help a mom out!
Hi Kathryn, I was the “mean mom”. Neither of my kids got phones until they were practically out of STCS. They didn’t NEED a phone, so we didn’t oblige. There were always plenty of parents around, if I wasn’t there, to lend their phone, if needed. When they did get them, they certainly weren’t smart phones. Emily got her first smart phone when she went to public high school. Our son still doesn’t have one. Maybe for Christmas this year, though…
I told myself that my children, I also have five, all sweet little girls, would never have a cell phone until they were driving. Unfortunately, divorce entered the picture a couple of years ago and my girl’s mother decided she wanted to get our oldest, at that time she had just turned 10, a cell phone. The only thing I could do is basically keep her from using it while she is with me, which is thankfully most of the time. However, I instead opted to just get her the cell phone myself (not a smart phone).
This has allowed me to keep track of the usage as well as to teach my daughter a lesson in responsibility with her device. Thanks be to God it has so far been a good experience. That being said, I wish my daughter was still without a cell phone and the potential dangers they can introduce.
We permitted a smart phone at the age of 13 for our oldest child, a very responsible girl. I don’t know if all of our children will receive the same privilege at the same age but I’m comfortable with how its worked out so far. We’ve definitely spent a great deal of time discussing etiquette and good judgment with her and boiled it down to one simple question before posting/sharing/typing anything – Is this something I would want my parents, principal, or priest seeing? If the answer is no, stop.
What about a Non-Smartphone? A phone with only the capability to make phone calls. Get one without a camera. The real importance of a phone is sou you can keep in contact with your child. The camera (which can be used for gross/sinful activities which show up on the news) and the Internet are not something that is NEEDED, but rather they are luxuries that children want. This is a better option then giving a hormone-filled high schooler the ability to sext and view pornography.
James, I know what you mean. There used to be these Disney phones that had 3 big buttons on them. One for Mom, one for Dad and one for the 911. I’d be all for bringing those back.
Check out the LG Migo.
Great points, James. If the purpose is to be able to call (initially), there is ZERO reason for a smart phone. Dumb ones work just fine!
My rules tend to be on the strict side. But from my work with teens, I’ve seen the havoc that cell phones wreak in homes, so I feel some strictness is in order.
First of all, no child has their own cell phone. This is because a huge problem with this type of technology is its isolating nature, allowing young people (and adults) to say/do/view things they never would around other people – but they do it because they are ‘alone.’ A teen will think twice about sending a message, a picture, doing a search when they know that others have just as much of a right to the phone. This also prevents anyone from sleeping with the phone and spending half the night texting (a huge problem). There can be a few cell phones that the kids can use – take with them to the away-game, the movies, etc.
Secondly, no one gets a cell phone until we can trust that they would come to us with questions about disturbing images or messages. The fact is, when we give our child a cell phone, unless it ONLY receives phone calls, we are giving them a mini gateway to pornography. It’s on Instagram, Snap Chat, Twitter, texts. Your kids don’t have to look for it – it is looking for them. So I have to trust the child enough that when they see such an image, they will look away and come to me for help, explanation, spiritual counsel. Some children will be there earlier, others later, others never. But they all must understand that they have no right to a cell phone – it is an earned privilege.
Lastly, and this is a rule for our entire family, phones go away when we’re all together. If there’s no chance someone could be calling about one of us lying by the side of the road, then the phone needs to go away. Obviously, if it rings, we can see who it is and choose whether or not to answer. But we do not treat our phones like invisible leashes; they are not all-access passes. They are invitations to talk that we can decline.
I would say the greatest way to ensure responsible technology use is to look in the mirror. Our kids imitate us. If you are always texting around others, if you have items on your phone that are inappropriate (Miley Cyrus music anyone??), if you text rude things about other people – your kids will too. Just like all the other areas of our lives, these little sanctity makers will gravitate to our weaknesses and imitate them. So just do a self-check too from time to time to make sure you are modeling holy behavior.
Sorry for the book – I’m passionate about this!
Hello, I am a 15 year old looking for solid reasons to get a phone. My father is very strict when it comes to religion or in offending God. I have asked my father since 7th grade for a phone and the answer is still no. I understand why parents are very worried about their kids I n handling porn but its not like not giving them a phone is going to stop them from seeing porn or knowing of it in school. If I received a phone I would try to handle he use and try not to be stuck on it for long. I am defiantly not interested in porn although my parents are not convinced. Two problems have happened in my family with the use of phone. I believe this is the reason why my parents think I can’t handle a phone. I have lost their trust and I am trying to gain it back. I just can’t believe no one understands me. Now that I’m in high school I need a phone. Either to call after school or to communicate with my friends. Please tell me if I should wait for a phone until I’m 17 …or bring up the topic to my father?
I waited to get a smartphone until my PhD. There’s too many people bothering you, all the time. Everybody expects instant communication and gratification when you have a phone, and friends start preferring texts to actual meetings. I would purge the planet of cell phones if I could, and it’s got nothing to do with porn.
If you get a smartphone, it’ll be cool for about two months. After that, you’ll hate it like everyone else. You’ll need it, but you’ll hate it.
I read an article recently that said that the future will be here within 30 years. I know that may sound crazy, as we think we have all the technology we can use, but when you have cars that drive themselves, glasses that can keep you connected with your world, and human trials on bionic eyes for blind people, it’s hard for this subject scale in comparison. I am the father of a two and half year old boy, who now believes that EVERY screen is a touch screen and if he can’t make it do what he wants he just looks at me with the bewilderment only a child can achieve.
Going into school is a very awkward time for children, as they struggle to cope with finding out who they are, I mean look at Miley Cyrus… she has been suppressed for YEARS and well we know how that is turning out. The root of the problem is that we are unable to control our own addictions, and that we feel that because we didn’t have it growing up, there is no reason our children need it, but here is where I disagree with what most of has been said here.
Our children are growing up in an age of technology, I believe that within years books will be a thing of the past and that feeling that you get when you crack up that new text book knowing that you were the first one to use it, that “fresh off the printer” smell will be something that we have to explain to our grandchildren. When that does happen, the most logical thing to do is digitalize them. Truly, the only reason it has not happened yet is because the publisher refuse to let the companies do this, well because of money, but that is a whole other can of worms. I think that by the time my child goes to high school, he will only be carrying a tablet and stylus. That will be all he needs to make it through school. Lockers will be a thing of the past, just as rotary phones are, and that is a truly scary thought.
The issue I see with not wanting to let go to technology is our fear of our children going thought he same addictions that we are unable to control. That “where is my phone” feeling when we don’t have it, is because our smartphones are something that came into our lives at a time that technology is advancing at an alarming rate, and we as parents sometimes struggle to understand emerging technologies.
Our children are growing up in an age of technology, where everything is being scaled down to fit in our pockets. Where everything is being connected, from your car, to your phone, to your PC/Laptop/Tablet.
What we as parents need to do is embrace these changes and challenges and allow our children to change with the times. It is our responsibility to make sure they handle them with care and know the difference between what acceptable use is, and what is not.
It is our job to teach our children that even though there is the world in their pockets, we (as parents) knows what they are doing at all times of the day. With parental controls a lot of this content can be sent in reports, we can check GPS locations, we can even limit the times that the phone is “usable”, but to limit the child because we don’t want them to going through what we are going though I believe is detrimental to the technological development of the youth of our time.
We are teaching our children that because mommy and daddy can’t control their addictions, we don’t think they can either, rather than teaching them how to control it and use it properly. I feel that by limiting their use of cell phones is only putting the child into a more awkward situation that going into school can already be, when the kids make cracks like “oh he/she doesn’t even have a phone”, or the awkward moment when our child has to ask another adult or student to use their phones to contact their parents because “mom says no”.
Our children will use technology, no matter much we try to control it, and by not teaching them at an early age when it is acceptable to use these devices and when it is not, we are only holding them back and they will continue to resent us for that, and that day when we find that “questionable Google search” will be no one’s fault but our own. What we need to teach them is that mom and dad are in control of the content they see, and like any other “bad choice” as we call it, has consequences, but to just flat out and say no to something that our children are going to be connected to the world with, I feel is not the correct choice.
This situation has played out a thousand times and will continue to play out until mom and dad are much more comfortable with their own technology. It is our job as parents to allow our children to grow with change, and not become our parents and hold them back because we don’t understand it. It is our job as parents to understand that by the time we are ready to retire, technology will be in a place that was unfathomable when we were children.
Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing. ~Saint Augustine
Both of our children recieved cell phones when they entered middle school (6th grade – they are now in 10th and 8th). There was a variety of reasons – working parents, kids going different directions, peace of mind – none of them probably good ones, but we also took into consideration each child’s maturity level, responsibility, respect of belongings, etc before making the decision. I believe we can honestly say that our decision did not have anything to do with the never ending “everybody has one”. In our home, that statement has been dispelled SOOO many times, it’s not even said anymore! We did not tell them they were getting them, we made the decision when we felt they/we were ready, picked out the phone, and decided on the timing of when they recieved it.
We did and still do have strict rules/control over the phones and their usage. There are no smart phones, no data packages, no Internet, they can take pictures on their phones, but we have blocked their ability to send/receive pictures through our provider. There have been many discussions about this issue and we have stood by our original decision, it is not that we don’t trust our children, it is what is out of their control that we do not trust and have blocked this feature for their own protection. Other rules include no phones at the dinner table, while we are out to dinner at a restaurant or guests at someones home, not during homework (however, I admit we may not have the best control on this when, they will often text us homework questions if we are not home at the time), etc.
The steadfast, die hard rules that we have absolutely no tolerance for being broken are they are not allowed to delete any messages without our approval/review, no one else is allowed to use their phone – they are responsible for everything that is sent from that phone, and technically the phones belong to us and we have the right to take it at any time to review messages, use, confiscate, etc. They are also to come to us or tell us immediately if they recieve odd texts or texts from people they don’t know. If they are repetitive, vulgar ext, we will block the number through our provider.
We have timely discussions with our kids about phone issues that come up in the media or in their cricle of life – the rights, wrongs, what would you do, etc. We talk about how they are guests when they are invited to friend’s house and that as a guest, they need to put their phones away and be a friend not a texter. I have often gotten a basket out and politely asked their friends to deposit their phones in it when they are guests at our house if I see that it has become a distraction.
In the last 4 years, we have only had 1 issue where one child was punished for breaking 2 of the big rules (deleted messages, let a friend text from it) and then committed the cardinal sin of our home – LIED about it. The phone was confiscated for quite some time! They have proven their responsibility for taking care of their phones too – not one phone has been lost, broken, stolen, washed, dried, etc . Our oldest bugged us for a new phone when he knew he was “due” (2 years), but we worked through it (no entitlement in this house) and when the phone died after 3+ plus years, it was replaced with a like phone. Our youngest child did not even try the new phone ploy after her 2 years were up!
Guess I am the mean mom too Kathryn. I think my youngest was one of three children in her class of 80 that graduated from 8th grade without a cell phone… (and I bet you can guess the other two 🙂 Each of my children has gotten a cell phone when they started high school. The main reason for that is because of after school activities and coaches that suddenly cancel or change practice times without much notice. I now have two in college and both just got smart phones. Can’t even say they NEEDED them however there are features on a smartphone that are very useful on campus. Definitely set rules and limits…. when you feel the time is right your kids will do fine!
While I appreciate the comments of those who want to protect their children – and I certainly think all of us do – I really think it is essential to teach children to work with technology because it is not going away. And while it may not be a popular view, I guess I am comfortable guiding my children while they are under my roof and even seeing them make a few mistakes – as we all do – rather than enforcing rigid controls and then seeing them go resist all controls when they leave the nest.
To those who say that strict parents are just holding their children back – do you really think that delaying a child’s use of TECHNOLOGY until they are mature enough to handle them will cause them to go into some sort of Miley Cyrus-like tailspin of rebellion? How sad.
What most people miss about technology is it’s not just a skill, a way to be cool, the way the world is going – more and more studies are coming out that it’s changing our very BRAINS – and not in a good way. Studies link constant screen time (phones, TV, computers, games) with ADHD, lower IQs, struggles with reading comprehension, anxiety disorders.
This is about raising kids that are intelligent, who know how interact with people face-to-face, and know that there is life outside the net. Because technology, this constant buzz, makes it so hard to hear the voice of God. All you hear is the voice of your culture, it’s a horrific echo chamber of consumerism. Technology should be introduced slowly, only after the moral sense (and natural curiosity!) of a child has been awakened and strongly developed.
Yes, this will make your kids weird – thank God. I was a weird kid (no TV, no cell phone, no computer) and I have to tell you, it really paid off. And it didn’t hurt me any – look, I’m using my Macbook just fine! And I figured out the iPhone!
Not to mention, the mistakes these kids are making aren’t the little oopsies I made when I was a kid. They’re public – they’re forever. They’re naked pictures splashed on the internet, a public record that follows them forever. And I am not interested in compromising on my child’s innocence just so they can fit in or learn the latest technology at the same rate as everyone else.
Wow! Everyone has offered such great comments! I think the important thing to remember here is that each of us is different. Our families our different, our situations and schools are different. And, most definitely, our children are different. So, we pull all that info together and make the best decision for our situation. Cell phones are morally neutral. They’re not inherently evil 🙂 ! My oldest has a non-smart phone and is required to use it responsibly and has consequences if she does not. I’m considering getting one (non-smart phone) for my 6th grader, as he just moved to a very large school and will be walking to and from school. I’d like for him to have a way to reach me if needed. He will have rules, too. But, if it gets out of line, if they take advantage of the privilege, then no deal. And I think there is a benefit for our children having us around while they get used to those devices and all technology – while they are forming habits and learning tech-manners and etiquette, while we can guide them and correct them. Then, when they’re 18 and possibly leave home, they will have those guidelines already established within themselves. Thanks for the great and thought-provoking post Kathryn! 🙂
I wish I had entered this discussion 5 years ago. I am not necessarily bothered by my daughters having these devices, I just wish the concept of restrictions and rules had occurred to me before they were handed out. Once I figured out we need rules and a cell phone contract on appropriate use it was too late. I have been able to make some progress but it would have been much easier if I had been firm at the beginning. Ideas like turning them in at 9:00 pm every night to a central charging area, not using them at meals, not using them in their bedrooms as mini-TV’s. How did I miss that one? We have had a house rule from birth no TV’s in bedrooms but now they have a device they can watch TV and many other things. Setting age appropriate boundaries and consequences up front is the best way to approach this part of their life.
That being said there are some great tools out there like parental control apps (Parentkit), replace Safari with Mobicip or Covenant Eyes, turning off the WiFi at night etc. Holding myself accountable is perhaps the biggest learning! Good luck to all which ever way you go.
I follow friends, family, and Catholic pages on Instagram, and I still get bombarded with absolute filth spawned from the minds of 11 year olds in my explorer feed. Knowing this and the fact that being electronically literate is essential, I’m scared out of my mind to see what’s coming next.
Check out lgbt.teens.uk on Instagram for some nightmares.