Conversations I Don’t Have

When people find out that you have four kids, they often say strange things to you.  Sometimes they try to “justify” why they have fewer children, which always seems to reveal some regret or disappointment in their past.  Other times, they make you feel like you’re crazy.

In an effort to keep things happy and civil, I usually brush it off.  I know that people mean well. But, I’ll admit, there are extensions of these conversations that happen in my head, some of which I’ve captured below.  These are all in good fun.  They’re not to pick on anyone and, in fact, there are about one hundred more that I could have captured based on weird things people have said to us.

The Conversation I Have Often Had

New acquaintance: So, Chris, do you have any kids?

Me: Yes. We have four kids.

New acquaintance: Wow, four kids. Really? You don’t look old enough to have four kids.

Me: Thank you.

New acquaintance: So… have you figured out what’s causing that?

Me: [laughs politely] I think we’re narrowing it down…

Conversation I’d like to Have #1

New acquaintance: So, Chris, do you have any kids?

Me: Yes. We have four kids.

New acquaintance: Wow, four kids. Really? You don’t look old enough to have four kids.

Me: Thank you.

New acquaintance: So… have you figured out what’s causing that?

Me: Yes, but my kids are so amazing I feel like I’d be depriving the world of more awesome by not having more.

New acquaintance: Well, two was enough for me. I got “snipped.”

Me: Ouch. You couldn’t practice self-control instead?

New acquaintance: My wife didn’t want to take any chances.

Me: She couldn’t practice self-control either?

[awkward silence]

Conversation I’d like to Have #2

New acquaintance: So Chris, do you have any kids?

Me: Yes. We have four kids.

New acquaintance: Wow, four kids. So… have you figured out what’s causing that?

Me: Ha! That’s funny. Wait, did you just imply that I don’t know where babies come from?

New acquaintance: No, no, it was just a joke.

Me: Oh, that’s funny then, for a second I thought you were trying to say I was dumb, or irresponsible, or something like that. But when you put it like that, that was a really funny joke.

[awkward silence]

Conversation I’d like to Have #3

New acquaintance: So Chris, do you have any kids?

Me: Yes. We have four kids.

New acquaintance: Wow, four kids. Are you Catholic or something?

Me: Yes, but I don’t think that means what you think it means.

New acquaintance: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, most people who ask that question do so with the preconception that Catholics can’t use birth control and so they’re “doomed” to have big families.

New acquaintance: Oh… no, that’s not what I meant. I just meant that Catholics often have big families. I have friends who are Catholic… I think big families are awesome.

Me: That’s true, you’re right, Catholics do typically have bigger families and, yes, big families are awesome. But we don’t have them because we “can’t” use birth control. It’s because, when you stop looking at sex and fertility as something you “control” and start looking at them as a gift you share, your entire perspective changes.

New acquaintance: Yeah… that’s cool. I guess.

Me: It is cool. Like when you realize that there’s really no higher calling in life than being a spouse and a parent and you want to throw yourself completely into that. It’s better than cool. It changes everything.

[awkward silence]

Alright parents-of-many-children… let this be your catharsis. What crazy things have people said to you and how would you like to respond to them?  Please keep it charitable.