So you’re Catholic? Good. And so is SHE? Well, well, well. Even better. You know the “she” of whom I speak. Your heart’s beating a little faster just thinking about her. Perhaps your palms are sweating and you need to wipe down your keyboard with a Wet-Nap. But where do you start? How do you begin to make your move on this lovely figure, this vision of beauty who suddenly puts you at ease with the thought of 2.5 children and a white picket fence? Well, before you begin, you need to understand some basic biology.
(Actually, before that, you need to understand the Key to Women, and how true masculinity comes from PMS. Read that here first: http://dcaspermusic.blogspot.com/2012/06/on-wooing-of-women.html)
Now, on to the biology. Specifically, I am referring to the concept of pheromones. You may be familiar with the concept of pheromones from learning about different animals; pheromones are hormone-laden scent excretions that communicate things to other animals. This is why ants move in lines back and forth from an unfortunate picnic pickle (the first ant to discover the food marks the trail with pheromones), and also why all the dogs on your street pee on the same bushes and sniff each other’s pee stains (the pheromones turn pee stations into neighborhood message boards). But did you know that humans also produce pheromones?
Yep. That’s right. These magical scents come from people as well, and in humans, their primary purpose is… drum roll, please… ATTRACTING A MATE. Both women and men produce pheromones, but in different ways; if you learn how they work, then suddenly your eyes will be opened to a whole new realm of dating possibilities, and also (oddly enough) to the beauty of the teachings of the Catholic Church.
See, men produce some of the pheromones in question in their armpits and groin area, specifically in/near the sweat glands. These pheromones are primarily secreted through sweat. Now, that’s a pretty gross thought: women are supposed to be turned on by sweaty pits? But hear me out. Women have a distinct sensitivity to smell, and when a woman has an emotional connection with a man – when she “likes” him – her brain connects that man’s individual, personal pheromone pattern with him, and she flips out over it. Just ask a jock’s girlfriend, and she’ll probably tell you that yeah, when her boyfriend comes up to her after football practice or his daily run, there is something incredibly all-fired ATTRACTIVE about that man’s smell. So that stanky-stank you smell after a hard day’s work? Might not be so stanky to a lady who has a thing for you.
However, this only works when it’s fresh sweat, like when you JUST came in from mowing the lawn or saving a kitten from a burning building. Let it sit for a little while, and the pheromones get stale and everything gets real bad, real fast. There’s a difference in scents between a man who has been workin’ real hard, and a man who just has terrible hygiene and legitimately smells like congealed nasty. Bad hygiene habits and the typical “guy smell” that arises in men’s bedrooms/apartments… those are just gross, every time, all the time. So you have to shower, keep yourself well-groomed, and just know that when you’re working hard in the sun or the weight room, chicks are digging it.
Be careful what you attempt to do with this knowledge.
Now, women have pheromones too, and this is where things get interesting, and maybe a little uncomfortable for some men to hear. These pheromones are controlled by the same hormones that control a woman’s menstrual cycle. When she’s ovulating (which means “at the peak point for potential to get pregnant if she has sex”), those pheromones are working overtime like nobody’s business. Makes sense, right? Our bodies are biologically ordered towards reproduction, so this mechanism helps keep the human species alive. Men detect those pheromones when women are ovulating, and are naturally more attracted to them during those periods of time. Also, those hormones strongly affect the woman’s attractions towards men as well, so they are most amorous when they are ovulating.
Uncomfortable topic? Maybe. But if you know all this stuff, you can suddenly see it all around you. Why do the athletes always seem to get the girls? Why is this girl totally into this guy one week, and then completely indifferent to him the next? What makes it so hard not to go “too far” when you’re in an intimate situation with someone? It’s BIOLOGY, man. It’s the way God built our bodies, and if we learn about our bodies, we can use them properly, and reconnect with what it really means to be human.
In fact, the Catholic Church is very, very keenly aware of all this “how God made us” business – much more so than the rest of the world seems to be. Why is it that a bunch of old celibate men can tell us what to do and what not to do with our sexuality? Because they know how the universe works, that’s why. Science has only proven them right over the years.
Pictured: Total ballers.
Take contraception, for example. Contraception alters a woman’s chemistry by simulating the condition of pregnancy inside her body. That essentially stops her menstrual cycle, which stops production of those hormones, which stops production of those pheromones. Do you see what that means? That means MEN ARE LESS INTERESTED IN HER. Ladies, if you’re contracepting and wondering why the men in your life don’t seem like they’re all that excited by you (or why you don’t seem to be satisfied with men anymore), the contraception is probably the reason why.
And men, did you know that 80% of fertility-aged women are on hormonal birth control? That means it’s within the realm of possibility, depending on the crowd of people you hang with, that just about all your female friends are on the Pill. So are you getting the implications of that? YOU MAY NOT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE to really be attracted to a woman, biologically speaking. You might be surrounded by women whose attraction-garnering systems are broken by artificial means. And you wonder why you’ve been so confused by your feelings towards them?
Hmm. Maybe those old, celibate men were right after all.
“Yes. Yes, we were.”
Knowing biology, knowing the way the human body works, is crucial to understanding your feelings towards the opposite sex, and their feelings towards you. And it just so happens that, since the Catholic Church is so intimately in tune with the One Who Made Us, the Church is the best place to go for answers about love and dating. Methinks you should check out this awesome website, made for young Catholics by young Catholics, to show what real love is really about: http://www.1flesh.org. Stay classy, my friends.
