Today’s review is of a short book, so this will be a short review. Following on the heels of their successful book 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage, Jennifer Roback Morse and Betsy Kerekes have released a guide for getting to marriage in the first place. This new title basically begged me to read it: 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person: Helping Singles Find Each Other, Contemplate Marriage, and Say I Do. Yes, please! In this tiny tome, I found much to support my previous thoughts about important premarital decisions and a few new points to ponder.
As the authors note, it’s much easier to have a happy marriage when you’ve married the right person in the first place. Thus, most of the book is given over to how to improve yourself as a single, how to date wisely, and what to look for when the possibility of marriage pops over the horizon. They’re definitely on the right track there. I have never been married, but I used to do marriage prep (for other couples, not for myself), and I have a personal interest in improving the way marriages begin. Starting off on the right foot sounds like a good way to set yourself up for marital bliss.
Photo by Billy Quach
Some standout tips are:
16. When the relationship begins to get serious, seek the opinion of an objective third party, with emphasis on “objective.”
They suggest parents or siblings. When you marry someone, you marry their family, too, and family will still be with you even if the romance ends.
25. Do not date someone you wouldn’t consider marrying.
This wanders into an unclear zone. Similar advice has caused many people to not date at all, insisting that they have to know someone well enough to know they’d marry them before they will go on a date. How, then, do you get to know someone? Most people are worth one date, but I agree that you shouldn’t stay in a relationship unless you see it going somewhere.
45. Does the other person care enough to help cheer me up when I’m down or commiserate with me when I’m upset—whichever I prefer?
This is crucial. I am a commiserator. Pollyannas drive me crazy. I know they mean well, but it’s quite difficult to already be feeling down about whatever my stressor is and then also be upset about my partner’s failed attempt at stress relief!
I also appreciated the final section, which focuses on last-minute questions to ask before you say “I do.” Engagements can be called off, but most aren’t. If you can help it, do the hard work before she’s wearing a ring. If that day has long passed, don’t be afraid to reconsider whether you feel peace about your decision.
I recommend this book especially to ladies who are partnered with men who just won’t read a full-length book. In just over 101 pages, Roback Morse and Kerekes offer excellent food for discussion. Take it one bite at a time. Use their punchy advice to establish the foundation for a lasting, happy marriage.
I received a free copy of 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person: Helping Singles Find Each Other, Contemplate Marriage, and Say I Do from Ave Maria Press in exchange for my honest review. Many thanks for their generosity!
I agree that if one is at all interested in someone, go on a date with him or her. I think the “don’t date someone you wouldn’t marry” advice refers to staying in a dating relationship, not going on several initial dates to determine if there’s anything there.
Agreed. A bite-sized tip is not really the place to explore that topic in depth, but since some other topics got much more coverage in the book (such as two whole mini-chapters on cohabitation, which is admittedly a big problem), I wanted to see more about that aspect of discernment, too.
I love the title you picked!
Haha, thanks! I love alliteration.
Advice in this area is often contradictory. Are people too picky or not picky enough? I’m guessing the book says “not picky enough” – e.g. the “Right person”, “do not date someone you wouldn’t consider marrying.” Lots of people say this (and the matchmaking industry encourages it). Others say everyone is too picky and that explains the declining marriage rate. Still others say both: too picky at the start and not picky enough to continue the relationship. Which isn’t much of a guideline.
That is a definite conundrum. This book errs on the side of “be too picky.” The authors (both married) are in favor of not marrying at all rather than marrying the wrong person.
I haven’t read the book so this might have been covered but there is something that I have noticed since re-entering single life after 39 years of marriage. The vast majority of people are myopically focused on looks and “health” (defined as skinny and athletic, not free of disease) to the point that potential spouses are immediately rejected before even entering into a dialogue with the person. These superficial qualities seem to be the priority for a lot of people. And “chemistry”, whatever that is.
It is so very important to make the effort to know the entire person, the unique individual created in God’s image, and not make judgments when only looking at the surface of the person.
Also, many middle-aged and older men are desiring to be married to women 15 or more years younger than they are, even though this is known to be a factor in divorce, not to mention leaving one’s spouse widowed for many years. I believe this is fueled by what I mentioned previously–an over-emphasis on how someone looks. Until people are taught to see beneath the surface and look for goodness, compassion, selflessness, etc. instead of looks and “chemistry”, marriages are doomed for failure.
I think you’re right, Renee. There is definitely a wide temptation to focus on outer qualities of a person over their inner qualities: the things that last, aspects of their character. That’s common inside and outside of the Church.
However, we can’t swing to the opposite extreme and pretend that looks have absolutely nothing to do with marriage. No one else needs to think your spouse is attractive at all, but *you* do, and it should be inner *and* outer qualities that attract you. You shouldn’t marry someone based on looks alone, but it seems risky, too, to marry based on inner qualities alone.