When Your Significant Other is Addicted to Porn: A Practical Guide

If you don’t know someone who is or has struggled with viewing pornography, then you are in the minority. Unfortunately – due to crazy-easy access, increased social acceptance, and the high chance of getting hooked – pornography habits or full-blown addiction, is something more and more Americans (Catholic and otherwise) are experiencing. For recent stats, see this free research packet from Covenant Eyes.

Pornography is not new – after Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 A.D. and covered Pompeii, and its ruins were discovered in 1748, explorers found pornographic images, statues and artifacts all over the city. Pornographic scenes were painted on living room walls, and phallic signs were found leading to what used to be Pompeii brothels.

The objectification and warping of sexual intimacy has been around a long, long time. However, with the advent of the Internet, and the mass social acceptance of books like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, its affects on individuals and couples is more pervasive than ever. And porn is not just a man’s issue – more and more women are becoming addicted.

(To learn more about the science behind pornography addiction, see Fight the New Drug).

If you are romantically involved someone with a porn addiction, then you know how painful and confusing it can be. You love this person and are devoted to them, but they fall into behavior that leaves you feeling hurt, unloved and confused.  What are you supposed to do?

Firstly, know that it’s normal to have mixed feelings when your significant other looks at or reads pornography. Normal reactions include anger, sadness, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety about when it will happen again. You may also find yourself micromanaging them by asking them repeatedly if they’ve had temptations or thoughts about viewing porn.

Important Things to Remember

1. This is not your addiction, i.e. you can’t force someone to recover or take responsibility when they relapse.
2. This is not your fault. Unless you duct tape your partner to a chair, glue their eyelids open and force them to view pornography, you are in no way responsible for their behavior.
3. It’s normal to feel a surge of emotions each time they relapse, or get triggered when hearing someone else share their addiction story.

Just because our loved one has an addiction to pornography, doesn’t mean they are hopelessly broken and/or incapable of having a healthy, intimate relationship with you. There are many things you can do individually and as a couple to recover from this addiction. Disclaimer: If you are dating someone with an untreated pornography addiction, and they show no intention of trying to find proper help to recover, that’s different – I encourage you to discern what to do with a spiritual adviser or counselor.

Things You Can Do on Your Own

1. Seek counsel from a trained therapist, spiritual adviser, or parish priest.
2. Learn about pornography addiction from trusted sites like Reclaim, The Porn Effect or Fight the New Drug.
3. Practice self-care by eating healthy, exercising, drinking plenty of water, getting enough sleep and spending time with good friends.

Things You Can Do as a Couple

1. Pray together daily.
2. Seek support from a priest and/or trained therapist.
3. Seek the Sacraments as often as possible – we all need that grace!

Things Your Partner Should Do to Heal

1. Embrace the Sacraments.
2. Find a support group or trained therapist for individual counseling.
3. Find an accountability partner that is not you.
4. Practice self-care.
5. Connect with their community of friends and family on a regular basis.

It is important that if you choose to see a therapist, you find one that specializes in working with couples where one or both partners has an addiction to pornography or other problematic sexual behaviors. It is also important to find someone who shares your morals and values when it comes to sexual intimacy. You can search a database of Catholic therapists in your area via this site.

Finally, know that recovery from pornography addiction is possible, but it takes time, commitment, humility and the right support system.

You and your partner deserve a lifetime of pornography-free love. Seek the help you need – it’s worth it.

Helpful Reading:

Wired for Intimacy 

Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn