I owe my readers an apology and some clarification. My last post is in need of expounding – I would blame the whole working-mom-no-sleep thing, but that’s just an excuse. The truth is I’ve got a lot to learn as both a writer and Catholic, and I am blessed to have people in my life to help me grow in both areas.
First of all, the last post was in no way meant to be in support of “gay marriage”, or same-sex union. I hoped to imply that by linking the Church’s teaching on homosexuality, but I was wrong because the links did not specifically address same-sex union. Mea culpa.
Secondly, I did not intend to vilify Christians who are angry about the “gay marriage” debate. Being a therapist, I do my best not to disregard anyone’s feelings, regardless how I feel about the behaviors attached to those feelings. You gotta feel your feels – they can teach you a lot about where you are and where you need to go. So, if you are angry, righteously or otherwise, I respect that and I’m sorry if it seemed otherwise. Mea culpa.
Thirdly, I was vague on an issue that deserves clarity, definition, and precision of language. Mea maxima culpa.
Let’s start over, shall we?
Let me begin by saying that what I’m about to expound on does not refer to righteous or holy anger. That is another topic entirely. The anger I am referring to is the purely physiological feeling of annoyance, displeasure and hostility. This anger is not the kind that Jesus displays towards the people selling goods in the temple – that anger was holy and directed at the sin in others. Holy anger fills us with zeal and passion when God’s goodness and Truth are attacked. Many Christians show this kind of anger when confronted with the real possibility that marriage will be redefined in our country, or when sin causes others to distance themselves from God’s love.
However, this is not the group I mean to address. I am addressing those Christians who become angry at the whole person, who are not filled with holy anger, but an anger that drives them to speak and act in such a way as to demean individuals who are homosexual, bisexual, and/or pro-“gay marriage”. This anger gets out of control and begins to emotionally, spiritually or even physically harm another human being.
Now, anger in and of itself is a legitimate human response to perceived injury and injustice. When something dear to us is threatened, it is natural to react in anger because anger moves us into action to protect what we feel is being threatened. Our adrenaline gets going, our blood starts pumping, our muscles tense up… all of these physiological reactions prepare us to defend or avenge what we hold dear.
But here’s the problem: sometimes when our anger switch is turned on too high, our rational brains turn off. We go into animal mode and we stop thinking compassionately or lovingly. It becomes extremely difficult to think clearly, and it becomes a lot easier to attack.
So, we end up attacking each other, sometimes to the point where we stop caring that we are all human beings worth dignity and respect. We start seeing each other as “enemy”.
And it’s incredibly hard to love your enemy.
My plea is this: acknowledge your anger, but don’t let it cause you to mock, ridicule, scorn, insult or otherwise injure your fellow human beings. When we let our anger move us to behave in these ways, we are no longer acting as the hands and feet of Christ. We hurt and we push away the very people He has called us to love.
We are all human. We all deserve dignity and love, even when we behave in ways that contradict God’s Truth.
If you find yourself filled with anger, holy or not, when addressing the issue of same-sex attraction, find a priest, deacon or spiritual director to talk to about it. They can work with you to address your experience, learn from it, and go out into the world with a loving zeal that does not destroy others, but instead teaches others God’s Truth.
And if you have comments, complaints, concerns or comedic relief to share about this post, please feel free to write me. I’m listening.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. – G.K. Chesterton
A special thanks to my fellow ACNM contributors for your support and assistance with this very sensitive topic. I am humbled and blessed by your knowledge and guidance.
One thing I have thought about to help me sort out my anger is to look for whether it hardens my heart or opens my heart. If I am feeling a hardness of heart toward others, then probably what I am dealing with is at least partly- plain old disgust with people I can’t understand or who I strongly disagree with. Even when my anger is righteous and holy, I still am responsible to hate the sin, but love the sinner. To me that means thinking about how my words and actions will really affect the other person, and to be aware of my own sinfulness. None of this is easy, but it’s easy to forget.
Great reminder for all of us – thanks Shawn 🙂
This is a great tool for deciphering our feelings before we act on them – thank you for sharing, Shawn. I always dig your feedback! 🙂
Don’t apologize Britt! Your last blog entry – or more specifically the comments – made me smile like nothing else I’ve ever read at ACNM. One of the small joys of our internet age is a good flail thread.
Besides, diversity of opinion and approach is good in general. Harmony and agreement are overrated.
I liked the first post, too. I understood it fine.
Diversity of approach can help us grow, that is true! Though I think I owed the topic more clarity in the first post, I’m glad that you saw it for what it was and shared your thoughts with me. Thanks!
This is a fantastic follow-up. I went to school for reading and writing and speaking and deconstructing rhetoric, and even I trip all over my words now and then. It’s so easy to say what you mean to say and have others *completely* misread it.
I think you’re really on to something with your thoughts about expressing emotions in relationships. I’d love to see you write more about that. For example, the post on anger in marriage is one of Austin CNM’s most popular. How about the difference between feeling down, despairing of God’s goodness, and depression? How about dealing with other emotions in marriage? How about emotions in prayer? How about tips on balancing action and contemplation/prayer?
Thanks, friend. I appreciate the reassurance (I need lots of it) and the suggestions for future posts! My mom-brain thanks you for being creative for me. 🙂
Thanks, friend. I appreciate the reassurance (I need lots of it) and the suggestions for future posts! My mom-brain thanks you for helping me out with topic selection. 🙂
Hi Britt. I read your first post, and I thought I got the gest of what you are saying just fine. As a parish minister for over forty years, I have seen a lot. It is very hard to write on a topic like this without getting misconstrued in one way or another. It is so loaded on so many levels.. So I thought your first post was clear and fine, and I appreciate this one, too. As my colleague Mark said a few days ago, it is when you stop talking that things get bad.. I will take it one step further and say when we quit arguing that things get even worse than that. While not Catholic myself, I do value diversity and different opinions while staying faithful to the core message of the Gospel. I am not part of the ACNM circle, but my wife Katherine and I love to read your posts. Some of them even make me angry That’s okay!. I am glad at my age to still care enough to do that. Good luck and God bless in your counseling work.
Thank you for insight and honesty, Ken! I like what you said about arguing – I agree that when we stop caring enough to argue that’s worse than the tension caused by the arguing (if that makes any sense). Apathy can be far more dangerous than anger. God bless you and your wife – thank you for reading and I look forward to your future feedback!
Hi Brit – I think it’s admirable how you put yourself out there with this follow up post. It think it is beautiful that you took to heart and reflected on the dialogue and process of the last post, and that this post is the product of that reflection. Your explanations about anger are very clear, and very helpful, to help people talk about this topic with more a rational brain as you say, instead of with reactionary anger. I see a lot of reactionary anger about this topic out there, on both sides of the fence – and like you said, it’s human and it’s natural, because this is a sensitive issue that touches close to people’s hearts and what they understand as true. But also as you said, reactionary anger piled high=a shouting match and pain on both sides, instead of respectful dialogue and truly seeking to see the “whole person.” So we can all benefit by following what you said, keeping the dignity of our brothers and sisters before us at all times, and seeking to imitate Christ in His perfect selfless love for each and every unique person. And we can also all learn from your example of humility and willingness to say “mea culpa” – we can probably learn from that most of all 😉 Thank you again Britt!
Your words are so kind, Rachel, and bring me comfort after a stressful blogging week! Thank you for reading and for your support. 🙂
I really appreciate both of your posts, Britt, and your willingness to respond to the dialogue in a way that is sensitive yet clear and concise. I admire how you didn’t just retreat further into your own words but listened to was happening. As a therapist and former parish minister, I think it is vitally important to be able to talk about issues like this and not shout each other out of the room. And there are different ways to shout each other out of the room. And for me, that is where we are called to self-reflection. That is what I go out of your post. On a topic like this one, arguments and misunderstandings are bound to happen. It is what all of us as Christians do with those arguments and misunderstandings that truly sheds light on God’s love and grace for others. What is hopeful for me is that people care enough, as Ken said, to be passionate about this. And to trust the Holy Spirit to be present in the process, however painful it is.
Thank you, Mark. I appreciate your feedback and the reminder that we need trust in God to get through difficult discussions. I forget that sometimes and rely on just myself and then wonder why it doesn’t work! Thanks again for your response.
http://www.firstthings.com/blogs/firstthoughts/2015/03/when-pastoral-language-becomes-political-rhetoric