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You’d think working in the world of therapists – full of feelings, acceptance, warm regard and the fluffiest Kleenex money can buy – that we would be loving and accepting of all people, no matter their beliefs or religious affiliations.
But you’d be wrong.
In my limited experience in this profession (6 years and counting) I have only met a handful of clinicians who are kind and compassionate to me and my Pro-Life-ness. The rest of them get pretty hostile once they find out. I just recently had a run-in at a professional training where I got singled out and chewed out for my beliefs. It went something like this:
Setting: Warm, inviting counseling room, complete with pictures of hearts and messages of love on the walls. Also, chocolate. There’s nothing more inviting than a bowl of chocolates.
Many therapists of different specialties and backgrounds are gathered to learn about helping families cope with loss and emotional disorders. We are chatting amicably, and then get into a discussion about helping women who have frequent miscarriages. Just so you know, I have not said I am Pro-Life or anything. The most these people know about me is that I work for the Catholic Church.
Random participant #1, “The loss of a miscarriage is often unrecognized by society – a woman who mourns her lost child may not get the support she needs because people don’t see it as a significant loss.”
Random participant #2, “Yes, exactly. Many women don’t feel like they should be sad and are confused when they grieve.”
This discussion goes on for awhile, with several people chiming in about how grieving women should get to name their lost baby, recognize its life, etc.
The I jump in, “Yeah, we have curriculum for a program to help grieving women, and it includes a Certificate of Life for their baby that they can take home.”
Then the group leader gives me a look and cuts in with a frustrated voice, “I just have one caveat to that,” she looks right at me. Her face is turning red. “I don’t mean to be political, but some women come in for help and they don’t think of their miscarriage as losing a PERSON or LIFE. So that wouldn’t be appropriate for them. You need to consider that. I just wanted to make that known.”
I stare at her confused as these thoughts run through my brain:
- DUH. Every counselor who is professionally trained has it drilled into their brains that you cater your therapy to the client’s needs. You don’t need to remind us of something we’ve known and practiced for years. And not once did I say, “This is the only right way to help any woman who has ever grieved in her life for any reason.”
- We are all obviously talking about women who are seeking support because they grieve the loss of a child. That is the context of our conversation. Hence, I was speaking in context of our conversation, because that’s how you typically HAVE A CONVERSATION. Have I said ‘conversation’ too much?
- Why are you singling me out? I’m like the 5th person to chime in, and I not once mentioned abortion, pro-life or even Catholic stuff.
Instead of saying any of those things, I simply say, “Well, of course.” Group leader’s face starts to resemble a normal color, and she moves ahead with the conversation.
But I am boiling inside – why do I get verbally chastised out of all the women here? I have said nothing inappropriate or unprofessional. Is she ticked off because I’m Catholic, and therefore Pro-Life?
I want to interrupt her. Her anger has ignited my defenses and I want to get angry back, but I know that is not the right way to handle this situation. So instead, I stare at the ceiling and pray Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s on loop. (Turns out, it’s hard to say mean, cuss-word-scattered things in your head when you’re saying “Jesus” and “Mary” continuously.)
Meanwhile, the conversation has moved on to helping women who find out late in pregnancy that their babies may not live long past delivery, or as she phrased it, the baby is no longer “viable”.
I continue staring at the ceiling and bite my lip to keep from saying anything. A few brave people chime in about how unimaginable that loss would be for a family.
Then group leader has another outburst, turns red in the face and looks at me again, as if I have said something audible and hurtful, which I have not. My only crime was eating chocolate and staring at the wall behind her head trying to stay calm.
She continues to look at me and begins with, “I don’t mean to be political again… but”.
Here we go again…
She continues, “Unfortunately, in the state of Texas it is becoming increasingly difficult for women to maintain any rights to choose [she glares at me]. These poor women who find out late in pregnancy that their baby may not live long after birth, are unable to make a choice to terminate the pregnancy early. Instead, they are made to suffer through the pregnancy and have no control over the situation. So in addition to their grief, the fact that they can’t terminate the pregnancy when they want to just adds on more grief. It’s really sad, and we need to be aware of it.”
(Do I need to point out again that this training is in no way affiliated with a political group, religious group or government agency? That it was supposed to be an unbiased presentation on grief? And I haven’t said a word? No? Just checking.)
Anyway, after she says this I have to go back to ceiling staring so I don’t say something that would start an argument. But I want to, oh, how I want to! I want to stand up and tell her how dare she add on to a woman’s pain by also giving her the responsibility of killing her child! The woman will grieve regardless of when the baby dies – why add on the experience of saying out loud to someone, “Terminate the pregnancy/kill my child,” and then having to watch someone do that? What comfort is there in that “choice”?
We may say that we are putting someone out of their misery by ending their life early. But really, we’re just trying to put an end to our own misery. We can’t stand watching others suffer, and instead of being there with them through it all, we kill them so we can hurry up and grieve and move on.
That is not mercy. That is not compassion. True compassion is being willing to sit with someone’s pain – trying to ease it with love, company, and if possible, good meds – until God calls them home. Who do we think we are that we can try to control life or death? As if we are bigger than it? We fool ourselves to think that “choice” will ease our fear or suffering.
I wanted to tell her that instead of giving someone the “choice” to end a life early, why can’t we do this instead:
A grieving mother finds out her baby may not live long after birth. Her friends, family and medical team gather around her, providing love and comfort, listening to her pain, accepting her tears, and holding her suffering so that it may be lessened in some way. Then together as a group, they discuss ways to celebrate this young life for as long as it is here on earth. They reminisce with mom about her pregnancy, about the kicks and sonograms, and funny cravings. They make a scrapbook of belly photos and baby things. They make a bucket list for baby like this couple did, so they could add more pictures and experiences to the baby album. They have a birthday cake, sing to the baby, celebrate its short, but significant life.
They surround this mother and child with love and life, bringing light into a dark time. Then when the child passes, they remain with mom to grieve and to remember, knowing they did everything to celebrate life and accept death peacefully.
Sounds way better, right? Don’t women and families deserve that?
In the end, what did I end up saying to the lady who was displacing her anger at me was this:
Nothing. I was too upset to speak lovingly, so I just prayed silently. I knew that she was hurting. I knew that she truly thought she was helping women by giving them the right to choose. I knew that she sat with many women and their pain, and she desperately wanted to offer them something that might help. I knew she had also been lied to.
So how do we deal with people who are angry at us for being Pro-Life? We pray. We hope. We vent our anger (a natural response to threat) to those who understand, so that we don’t vent it onto those who are angry at us. We listen. We speak lovingly. And we pray some more. It’s a tough battle, one only love can win.
* Blogger’s note: After a helpful comment from a reader, I wanted to clarify further why I didn’t say anything in the moment. There are times to stand up and speak out – I didn’t feel this was one of those times. She was very angry, and so was I. I do not like to speak in anger because it damages the very message of love I’m trying to convey. I had to calm down before I approached this woman (which I tried to do after the training, but was unable to reach her). There are some Pro-Life warriors that are able to stand up and speak the truth in the moment, and do so lovingly and bravely. That is not one of my gifts, and I am so grateful there are people out there who make up for what I lack. All in all, it is important to reach out to others with love – and if that’s through prayer, spoken words, blogs, or relationship, it all helps the cause. Love always wins!*
Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8
Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Yes, being pro-life is great and your belief in the dignity of the person is really important. But if we keep that belief to ourselves, or simply just talk about it on a Catholic (and so pro-life as you stated above) blog then what good are we really doing? Wouldn’t talking to your colleagues about how some woman feel the same grief after an abortion, or how there are statistics of thousands of women that regret their abortion, or even the many amazing stories there are of woman who go through with a birth knowing their child may not be perfect and how blessed and changed they are by that child would be helpful both to offer a different perspective or an opportunity for conversion? It seems like such a disservice to these woman to simply stay out of it becuase you recognize they are hurting… your very profession is to help people heal… that path to healing has to start somewhere… wouldn’t it be better for her soul coming from you and the Truth then some abortion advocate later on?
Thanks for the comment! You are right that intervening and speaking up is sometimes appropriate. In the moment, I was not in full control of my own emotions to speak the truth. I would have let anger and hurt prevail, and it would have done more harm than good. I would have embarrassed the speaker, made her more angry and still not have reached her. As a helping professional, I don’t ignite more fury. I wait until the anger quiets. When people are angry, they are defensive and can’t listen to reason, or anything really. I also can’t meet them there in my own anger – I must meet them with peace and gentleness. I had to wait for her to calm down, which I did. I looked for another opportunity to speak with her after the presentation, but was afforded none. Perhaps some Pro-Life advocates are called to intervene in the heat of the moment – I am not one of those advocates, but I am so thankful for them. They have talents that I do not possess.
You are right that my profession is to help people heal – that’s how I know that healing is not something that I can thrust upon someone in the midst of anger. But God can heal regardless. So I pray for them until I discern that my skills will be helpful. You may disagree with my process, but it is one that has come with lots of training, mistakes and discernment. We are all called to promote the truth in our own unique, God-given way, and I am still learning how best to help in mine.
This is very disheartening and sad to hear on several levels. I am sort of on board with the first comment. I am not sure this is the way to go about dealing with this situation or the effectiveness of blogging about it on this site. Of course the vast majority of ACNM readers is going to be sympathetic to this issue. And they should. But It would seem to call for conflict resolution skills between therapists, though.
Oh please. You two are calling out the blogger for not getting into an argument with professional colleagues? You weren’t there and have no idea about the details and nuances of the situation and the relationships among the individuals in the room. Besides, the purpose of the meeting was not to talk about the ethics of abortion. Just because the other woman went off topic and delivered a polemic does not mean this author should similarly misbehave.
And the purpose of her blog post is to describe how it felt to be criticized, not to convince readers of the wrongness of abortion (which indeed most ACNM readers probably agree with her on).
Not an argument. A discussion and a response. Maybe not in the moment, but sometime. Very important distinction. And we weren’t there. Neither were you.
It sounds like this was a painful and unsettling experience for you, Britt. To say the least. As a therapist myself, I agree wholeheartedly that arguing back in the moment when both of you are angry would not be constructive. But your blog response to this is very clear about your feelings and what you believe. As a Christian response, what if you were to forward this blog post to the person and invite her to lunch or coffee or just meet her in her office and say you think there was a misunderstanding and can we talk about it? This way you don’t feel like you have to be quiet or not heard and you take the opportunity to try to resolve this conflict in a loving manner? If she doesn’t respond well, then you tried your best. Just a thought, Britt. If it makes you feel any better, I have had moments like this with colleagues more than once in my career. I have found when I try to resolve it directly with the person involved, it brings peace to my heart. God bless.
I am a therapist as well and it saddens me that this happened. We therapists sometimes are good at being empathetic to others but not so much to each other. It feels awful to have a colleague relate that way, I can empathize. As a word of support and a challenge, I would strongly suggest you not let this go without trying to talk about it with your colleague. Without taking any sides (I wasn’t there), the climate right now is very loaded with hot button issues and it is sad to see women (men too)on different sides of the fence as to what is personal freedom versus dignity and life and not understanding each other. I have been around awhile, and I haven’t seen this as much as I do nowadays. But I really do think it is a good idea to with some time and distance, re-approach this colleague about this and tell her how you feel. She probably won’t read this blog, and while it is on target, it is only reaching an audience that is going to be with you anyway. Nothing wrong with that, but the issue still hangs out there. You are a good writer, Britt, and I know you would be a good speaker when you are not angry to address this issue with your colleague. As Katherine says, the worst that can happen is that you give your Christian response and she can think about it. Because she needs to. Whether she does or not is beyond our control, we can give it to God. Good luck, Britt and I do hope you talk to her at some point. Blessings and Peace, colleague!
Britt, when I was 28 I was a seminary student. I was taking a class on church polity taught by the District Superintendent of our conference in the United Methodist Church. In shorthand, he was the one, along with the Bishop, who decided which parish we were to be placed in after graduation. One day early in the semester I asked a question which I thought was perfectly appropriate. The teacher looked at me sternly in front of my classmates, turned red and said “son, I have failed people in this class and don’t think I won’t fail you if you come unprepared for class”…I was stunned, shocked briefly silenced, and so were my classmates. You could hear a pin drop. I just asked a question. It had NOTHING to do with being prepared. After the initial confusion and fight or flight, my feelings turned to anger.
Something happened that day that was different for me. Looking back, it was a “God” moment. I calmly but firmly said my teacher, “sir, I asked that question with respect and I expect you to respect me”. I can’t believe I said that. To a church authority! Oddly, he apologized and class went on. After class, I nearly threw up. I don’t like confrontation.
I have been a pastoral therapist for over twenty years now and that event was pivotal for me. Stand up for what is true, with respect, dignity and despite fear. God was with me that day, Britt. And God did that, I am too scared and afraid. I still am, but I know it is important when the time calls for it.
Later, he and I talked and he told me about his son who had my name and had a drug problem. I really appreciated his candor, and we got on very well after that. And I wasn’t assigned to Timbuktu as was my fear.
Britt, in my experience most therapists are great at empathy when they are not being challenged or their buttons are not being pushed. Which means when we are in control. Sometimes in other areas, we therapists are the worst and unkindest. And I am one of them!. I wasn’t trained in healthy confrontation, a skill which has helped me more as a therapist than all the empathy in the world. I had to learn it the hard way. Not that empathy isn’t vitally important, but most therapists have that already at their best.
I would be willing to guess the issue at the meeting wasn’t really the issue, and I really hope that you might think about contacting this person and talking to her about how you felt. I can relate. But sometimes it can be really healing to face those things because they can linger in our psyches longer than they need to if you don’t.
I am so sorry that happened, and in a perfect world it wouldn’t. You write very well, so I am guessing you will be able to speak your truth when the time is right and let her know it isn’t okay to talk to you like that. With love, and letting the anger and hurt you feel and God be your strength. God bless in your work as a therapist.
Ugh. Being singled out is awful. Your silence seems like the best response in this situation. Unless the woman in question is someone you already have professional connections with (beyond this presentation) or expect to in the future, it is probably best to pray that God will bless her and move on.
On a different note, I find that when someone begins a sentence with “I don’t mean to be/seem/sound political/racial/mean/adjective, but” they will almost certainly follow up with a point of view that *is* political/racial/mean/adjective. Almost every time.
If you are both licensed professional counselors in this community, you can count on the fact that you will have professional connections in the future. Even if it is as potential referral sources. As a person of faith, I think it is very important to reach out to those who we have these disagreements with, both from our own growth standpoint but also as a way of not feeling isolated from fellow professionals and being assertive but not pushy about our faith. Lindsay, I disagree with you on this one, but more than that, I am frustrated that Britt doesn’t respond to this herself.. That says something, I don’t know what, but it does. And it is concerning. I know out outspoken you are Lindsay, but I would love to hear from Britt.