5 Ways to Survive Awkward Thanksgiving Moments

Let’s face it: not all of us have the 60’s-TV-sitcom-family experience during the holidays. Some of us may have small families, large families that never see each other, families that see each other too much, or maybe families that consist of friends and no actual blood relations. And while we may love our families however they might be, there are often many moments for awkwardness. This may occur for several reasons:

1. You don’t talk very often, especially not about serious subjects.
2. You do talk often about serious subjects that not everyone knows about and now you’re desperately trying to remember who knows and who doesn’t know about Aunt Meg’s recent nose job.
3. There are people present at your family gathering who don’t know the meaning of “over share” or “TMI”.
4. There are also people present at your family gathering who don’t what a “filter” is and will blurt out whatever they feel like (x10 once you work in alcohol).
5. There have been divorces, separations, marriages or other life-changing events that alter who shows up and who doesn’t show up AND what amount of drama the show/no-show of certain people may cause.

The variations go on. Whatever your situation might be, here are 5 quick tips to handling the awkward with minimal damage:

1. Set boundaries verbally.
   1. Ah, boundaries. Nothing scares them away like panic during family drama of what kind or another. They are easier said than done for sure, but here are the basics:
      1. Your job is not to keep everyone happy.
      2. Your job is not to play referee, mediator or therapist.
      3. Your job is not to fix anyone’s problems.
      4. When people try to bring you into the drama, simply say, “I am not comfortable getting involved.” Go find someone else to talk to, or go to another room, or find some kids to play with. They tend to be a little more drama-free.
      5. When people talk about things that make you uncomfortable, upset or angry, simply get up and move to another room. If someone asks why you’re leaving, just say, “I am not comfortable with what is being talked about.” That’s it. No further explanation needed.
      6. If someone tries to give you unsolicited advice about your love life, your children, your job, whatever, put up a hand and say gently, “I know you really care about me and want to help, but this is not something I want to talk about right now. Thank you. I’m going to get some wine – would you like some?” This lets them know you recognize they care, and you still want to spend time with them, but you also don’t want to listen to all the reasons why you’re doing something wrong.
      7. If you have a family member that likes to “tease” you or reminisce about all the embarrassing parts of your past to the rest of your family – find a moment to pull them aside and explain, “I know you love me and enjoy sharing memories, but I feel embarrassed and hurt when you bring up [insert content] in front of everyone. Can we talk about something else?”
      8. Remember that when you set verbal boundaries, the recipients may not like them. They may get embarrassed or upset or dramatic. That is not your problem. Those are their issues. As long as you set boundaries with respect and love, you don’t need to save them from their feelings. They’ll be okay.
2. Pray.
   1. This one is probably obvious, but saying a prayer of some kind before and after the gathering can give you the spiritual graces and comfort you need to successfully navigate the family festivities.
3. Rehearse.
   1. This sounds silly, but if there is someone you are really concerned about seeing, practice what you might say to them with a friend. You can rehearse verbal boundaries, or other scenarios so when the time comes, you will feel more prepared to handle yourself. It’s a lot easier to say something you’ve practiced than come up with it on the fly when you’re panicked.
4. Be honest.
   1. This goes back to No. 1. When setting boundaries, honesty is key. Many of us (myself included) are afraid of hurting others or starting drama if we are honest. We tend to sail through the interaction with our eyes averted and bodies tense, just waiting for it to pass. This is a great way for passive-aggressive tendencies to fly out everywhere. Those are fun, right?
   2. Be brave and speak your truth, gently and lovingly. Not only will you feel better about being genuine, you are giving others permission to do the same. And maybe, just maybe, the passive-aggressive shenanigans will halt.
5. Have an escape plan.
   1. If things at the gathering get so unbearable or hurtful that you are struggling to cope in the moment, and you’ve exhausted your resources, have an escape route. Maybe you’ll go to a friend’s house, or another family member’s. Perhaps you and your spouse can give yourselves permission to leave if X, Y or Z happens, and you can go home and recoup. Maybe even finding someone to take a walk outside with would give you the break you need before heading back in. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to give yourself some breathing space so – if it’s safe – you can go back into the party as a charitable person.

Regardless, enjoy the holiday for what it is: a time to remember and appreciate all the gifts you’ve been given. Gratitude is one of the best ways to get back to feeling joyful. Happy Thanksgiving!