And I Find Myself Smirking at God

Does your child ever do something so witty and surprising that you just shake your head and let a smirk creep across your face?

My son cracked out with a clever quip last week and I just burst out laughing. I don’t often burst out into anything.

I like that feeling.

Over the past few weeks I have found my self smirking at God. Shaking my head once again. Surprised at myself for being surprised. That He loves me.

It has been long that I have seen His hand. I have my memories. Those stories (we all have them) of my own biography that ‘prove’ our relationship. The little things that have happened that show me that there is a God and He does love me and act in my little tiny life.

I cling to those like my daughter to her stuffed rabbit. She holds that rabbit’s arm around her neck to make him hug her. I cling to my memories of miracles like that. I make them cling to me. They are my proof.

Because it has been so very long. Not for his lack of action, but most likely from my lack of looking.

A few weeks ago I wrote on my personal blog about how I had virtually no prayer life. I had lost the habit, let myself get so wrapped up in the daily business of motherhood and work and washing dishes that I’d fall asleep before I even remembered to say even a short end-of-day prayer.  I had given the smallest of commitments to remedy this – I just decided to go ‘through the motions’, read the daily readings and jot down my favorite line at the top of my daily planner. And move on. I actually almost deleted that line later. Thinking how someone might think of me. Discounting prayer. So cavalier. Disrespectful. To thumb my nose at a relationship with the Creator like that. ‘I’ll read these little verses real quick, check that off my list, and move on.’ But, it’s still there. That’s just where I’ve been. I’m not hiding anything here.

And now, I see how He has been clinging to me. Waiting for that littlest of gestures. Not caring about my attitude. Not minding if I’m not paying 100% attention. Overlooking the fact that I am so nonchalant about it all in my self-indulgent blog post.

I have reached out, grabbed Him is the smallest of ways. In this time of turmoil in our lives.  A meager reach at that. And He has come.

I read these Scriptures and they SPEAK. As they have not spoken to me since my conversion over 15 years ago.

I could tell you what they say, but I won’t. That would make it not mine. And that’s all I want it to be. As St. Monica says, “Nothing is far from God.”

But, I will give encouragement where encouragement is needed. You may be the exemplary Catholic, doing all you can, with a robust prayer life. I am sincerely grateful for your faith in practice. But, I think we all fall into ruts at times. We all have those periods of our lives when we just cling to routine and forget to make our faith important in our daily life. For those of us in that boat, take heart! Take a small step and He will cover the rest of the distance. I think He enjoys surprising us.

These days, I can open scripture once again and hear Him speak. As if some wise bearded man centuries ago wrote down these words because he knew I would one day read them and sigh. Did he?

And I see how God only wants us to ask Him. Like my little one with the love of her rabbit.

That smallest of faiths: if she wraps his plush little paw around her neck, he really does love her back.

God only wants that little child-like faith.  And yet I let myself get so distracted, solving my own problems, reading books, studying, talking, thinking, mulling. All I had to do was stop looking at myself and take the littlest glance at Him.

I find myself smirking at God. “Oh, you!”