{"id":87410,"date":"2015-02-10T07:39:43","date_gmt":"2015-02-10T13:39:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.austincnm.com\/?p=87410"},"modified":"2015-02-11T00:06:32","modified_gmt":"2015-02-11T06:06:32","slug":"parenting-teens-mace-mean-grace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2015\/02\/parenting-teens-mace-mean-grace\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting teens with mace… I mean, GRACE"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"10653630_10202749493966736_2440118489577937086_n\"<\/a>

My rats and me on our front porch<\/p><\/div>\n

After a fierce conflict on the battle- field that parenting a teenager is at times, I was standing in my front yard trying to calm down. I was furious, so calm was not easy to come by.
\nI tried to look around and notice my surroundings, to take refuge in the present moment.<\/p>\n

It was a beautiful, fair and golden afternoon. There was a warm, pleasant breeze. A woman was walking up my street, pushing a baby in a stroller. She looked so content. I remembered those days of parenting a sweet little baby, as I watched her coming nearer. Our eyes met. I opened my mouth to greet her, but what came out was, \u201cJust wait.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Parenting teens is a challenge, and during hard times, it can be utterly overwhelming to all concerned.<\/p>\n

Prayer is essential.<\/p>\n

\"photo<\/a>

the girls and I pray the rosary in ocean<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was crying at mass, in the deep agony of a mother grieving the future of her child. I had found out my oldest daughter, such a good girl, devout, bright, and affectionate, had a grave illness that would stop her education in its tracks, keep her from holding a job, affect all her relationships, and everything she ever did for the rest of her life, and from which she would suffer terribly. There was some hope of helping her medically, but not much.<\/p>\n

I begged for an answer or reassurance of some kind. \u201cOh Jesus, can you give me some idea, some glimpse that she will be OK at least? That she will have a life? Something?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Gently, peace settled down on me, and I felt that the Lord said to me, \u201cI died for her, as if she was the only person on earth. Is this not enough for you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes. That is enough for me,\u201d<\/em> I answered.<\/p>\n

\"Tabernacle\"<\/a>

Tabernacle photo by Shawn Chapman<\/p><\/div>\n

I understood that the world had one idea about what it means to \u201cbe OK,\u201d to \u201chave a life,\u201d and that God had another. My daughter\u2019s life had purpose. What God permitted in her life, he would make serve her path to him, or even be her path to him.<\/p>\n

I had to accept God\u2019s ultimate parenthood of her at that point.<\/p>\n

I have gone back to that moment many times in my memory. I have needed to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There have been other times when I haven\u2019t liked what was going on in my teen\u2019s life one bit, times when my parental nightmares seemed to be unfolding before my eyes.<\/p>\n

Often I have needed time to discern what I should do, how much I could or should intervene, or how much I should allow my daughters self -determination against my personal inclinations, which are often intense.<\/p>\n

I may be considering a bit of mace applied to a boy friend, a banishment of unsuitable young people from the vicinity, a girl’s school on a quiet hill in a foreign county, a fist fight with another parent, my child’s teen years spent tied to a chair in the living room.<\/p>\n

I really need to think and pray.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe most important thing is remembering the most important thing.\u201d ~ Zen saying<\/p>\n

 <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To me, the most important thing is the will of God for my child; specifically, finding my part in accomplishing that. However, it is hard to discern what actions to take when I am on DEFCON 5 and all my parental alarm bells are going off. Those alarm bells are really loud.<\/p>\n

How do I find out what God wants me to do?<\/p>\n

What I usually do first, is prayerfully sort out my own motives and discard what isn\u2019t important right now, or what I know only gets in the way for me.<\/p>\n

I can be really angry about something that is not worth thinking about, and only complicate my thinking. I can focus on the wrong issues. I can be confused because there are so many people involved or concerned. I can feel bad because I don\u2019t want to do what everyone else wants me to do. I may feel alone even though I am not. I may see that I need to set limits and boundaries for my child, or on a relationship of hers, but be unsure of how far I should go with that, or trying to think of appropriate consequences for a misdeed when I know I am too outraged to be reasonable.<\/p>\n

It is helpful to get myself (and my kid) to Confession. This clears my conscience, restores my soul, and helps me be clear minded and receptive to the Holy Spirit. I have always noticed this.<\/p>\n

I pray, asking to be shown God\u2019s will for me as a mother.<\/p>\n

\"10947292_10206420649901518_4504502336396779981_n\"<\/a>

pray, pray, pray<\/p><\/div>\n

I think of Our Lady, who let herself be guided by the inner promptings of the Holy Spirit, by listening to Elizabeth, Joseph, Simeon and Anna, to the Scriptures, to the tenets of her Jewish faith, and by being attentive to the events of her life, reflecting on them in her heart.<\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t always understand what was happening, and it seems that angels didn\u2019t always tell her what was coming, or why. When Jesus was lost to her for three days, she seems to have acted as distraught as any other parent.<\/p>\n

However, she listened to her Son when she found Him, she took Him home with her, and reflected on all that had happened, \u201cin her heart.\u201d In the deepest part of her, she sorted out the meaning of His words, and looked to God for understanding and direction.<\/p>\n

As I listen carefully to the Scriptures read at mass, I often hear the very direction I seek.<\/p>\n

I let my conscience as a mother, be formed by my Catholic faith.<\/p>\n

\"Jesus,<\/a>

Jesus, King of Everything<\/p><\/div>\n

I listen to the Spirit as He expresses Himself in the daily events of our lives, or as He draws my attention to something someone says to me that \u201cclicks,\u201d or is even the answer to a question I have just asked in prayer.<\/p>\n

I ask for the strength to carry out what may even be the most difficult solution, taking as my model the fortitude and trust of Mary and Joseph.<\/p>\n

I recognize the peace I feel, sometimes about even the hardest things, as a sign of \u00a0the right answer.<\/p>\n

\"<\/a>

our angel statue: photo by Shawn Chapman<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sometimes Mary had to do the will of God even when it looked crazy to everyone else. What did it look like to her family and friends to see her life unfold the way it did? How could she explain her higher purpose?<\/p>\n

I am sure sometimes she couldn\u2019t, and she had to accept their disagreement, even, at times, their loss of respect for her, as she tried to follow God and live as He asked, and not necessarily what seemed acceptable in her culture or to her family.<\/p>\n

Referring to a difficult family discussion about an issue of hers, I explained to my youngest, \u201cIt looks to them like I am sacrificing my child for my faith. So try to understand how they feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a moment of reflection, my stellar young lady said, \u201cWell, Abraham was ready to sacrifice Isaac.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was surprised. \u201cYeah, he trusted God.\u201d<\/p>\n

She said, \u201cAnd the angel gave him his son back.\u201d<\/p>\n

To me, the solution can never be anything that is against our faith, or that is a sin. Otherwise, how can I ask God\u2019s blessing?<\/p>\n

If I decide that I will seek God\u2019s will in all other parts of my life, but not when it comes to my children, I run the risk of blocking His grace from my parenting, which seems like a terrible idea. How can God be part of my endeavors as a mother if I am unwilling to follow His commands or listen to his voice?<\/p>\n

I am the prime example for my daughters. If I act against our religion, won\u2019t they see our faith as something we follow when it is convenient, but when it is hard, we do what we want to do? I have to trust that me doing the right thing will bless their lives, and ultimately be best for them.<\/p>\n

\"our<\/a>

our family Bible on our home altar<\/p><\/div>\n

In this way,\u00a0\u00a0I am often guided to the underlying problems I may have missed, had I accepted the easy way out. Also, I have seen that my obedience to God brings unexpected grace into a tough situation. Sometimes even a miracle ensues.<\/p>\n

Often I am surprised that my young person, given time to think, taps into holy Wisdom herself, and ends up amazing me with her own discernment or wise response.<\/p>\n

Other times, I get a strong message to intervene, and I do. My intervention is often not popular with my teen. That\u2019s too bad, of course.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why God gave you a mother,\u201d is something I say a lot.<\/p>\n

People say things turn out for the best. I don\u2019t know whether that is true or not.<\/p>\n

Admittedly, sometimes I don\u2019t get the outcome I want.<\/p>\n

But God gets what He wants, and I trust that my attempts at faithfulness will bear fruit as God wants them to, whatever I may feel or see at the time.<\/p>\n

After all, as Richard Rohr points out, every time we say \u201cThy Kingdome come,\u201d<\/em> we are also saying, \u201cMy Kingdom go.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

As parents, we \u201cprepare the way of the Lord,\u201d<\/em> and \u201cmake straight his paths.\u201d<\/em> The older my children get, the more I must say, \u201cHe must become greater, while I must become less.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

There is always mace- I mean, GRACE, in the process.<\/p>\n

\"384938_2611736062488_456684478_n\"<\/a>

“This way to 18” painting by Bob Chapman<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After a fierce conflict on the battle- field that parenting a teenager is at times, I was standing in my front yard trying to calm down. I was furious, so calm was not easy to come by. I tried to look around and notice my surroundings, to take refuge in the present moment. It was… [Read More]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":155,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"_wpas_customize_per_network":false},"categories":[90,89],"tags":[2446,55,2666,50,2890,165,74,167],"class_list":{"0":"post-87410","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-faith-blog","7":"category-family","8":"tag-adolescents","9":"tag-catholic-2","10":"tag-discernment-as-a-parent","11":"tag-faith","12":"tag-family","13":"tag-parenting","14":"tag-prayer","15":"tag-teens","16":"entry","17":"has-post-thumbnail"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":249227,"url":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2016\/05\/parents-teens-freedom-boundaries\/","url_meta":{"origin":87410,"position":0},"title":"Parents & Teens, Freedom & Boundaries","author":"Rachel","date":"May 16, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Here at ATXCatholic I don\u2019t often write about my job as a therapist, but today I\u2019d like to delve a little bit into it, through the lens of good theology and a Christian understanding of the human person. \u00a0I\u2019d like to delve into the concept of boundaries in relationships, specifically\u00a0between\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Family"","block_context":{"text":"Family","link":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/category\/acnm\/blog\/family\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Photo by Annie Sprat, https:\/\/unsplash.com\/photos\/88HN85BJbq4","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=1050%2C600 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/atxcatholic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/photo-1454329001438-1752daa90420.jpeg?resize=1400%2C800 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":23919,"url":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2012\/10\/review-thumped\/","url_meta":{"origin":87410,"position":1},"title":"The Truth Will Set You Free (Review: “Thumped”)","author":"Lindsay Wilcox","date":"October 30, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"You may remember a little novel that blew my mind last year: Bumped, by Megan McCafferty. I couldn't believe that someone had combined three of my favorite things: dystopias, life issues, and teenagers with problems. I also couldn't believe that no one was talking about it! It's not a stretch\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Blog"","block_context":{"text":"Blog","link":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/category\/acnm\/blog\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.austincnm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/3448935105_48dfab7206_z-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":54227,"url":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2014\/10\/adoption-saved-life\/","url_meta":{"origin":87410,"position":2},"title":"How Adoption Saved My Life","author":"Britt Echtenkamp","date":"October 13, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"On September 22, 1966 a little boy was born in Minnesota. 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No matter how straight the A\u2019s, smart the brain, talented the athlete or pious the altar server\u2014at some point in life, your child is going to lie to you. A few weeks ago our 11-year-old did just that. 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