{"id":20999,"date":"2012-08-08T08:07:48","date_gmt":"2012-08-08T13:07:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.austincnm.com\/?p=20999"},"modified":"2015-06-22T12:45:25","modified_gmt":"2015-06-22T17:45:25","slug":"ten-tips-for-dealing-with-anger-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2012\/08\/ten-tips-for-dealing-with-anger-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Ten Tips for Dealing with Anger in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>We may not like to talk about it, but if you’re married, you’ve been there. How do we deal with our anger in marriage? How do we argue? How do we reconcile? We all have different ways of handling our differences with our spouse, but here are a few things I’ve learned over the 13 years I’ve been married to my husband.<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Stop talking \u2013 wait till you can be reasonable and sincere<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before you say something you don\u2019t mean, stop. You can\u2019t take your words back. You can ask forgiveness later, you can say you were out of line, but the memory of your voice saying something hateful or unkind will last forever. Stop before you say something you don’t mean. Sometimes this is so hard for me, but I NEVER regret it!<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t storm off, or walk away <\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband can\u2019t stand it when someone walks away. I try to respect that, and have found value in that habit. Walking away is wimpy. Walking away either says you don\u2019t care or you don\u2019t respect your spouse enough to listen. If you need a break to keep yourself from violating rule number 1, then tell your spouse, in a reasonable tone of voice, that you might need a break to think. You don\u2019t want to overreact, and you want to make sure that you say what you mean. That\u2019s fine. Your spouse should understand. Just make sure that you DO come back to continue the conversation.<\/p>\n

2.5 But, don’t let the sun go down on your anger<\/strong><\/p>\n

Make it a habit to resolve things as quickly as you can. There’s nothing more miserable for each of you, and for your children, than to have you two walking around for days grumbling, rolling eyes and being snippy. What torture! In the end, you will only make things worse by hurting each other more. My husband and I try to resolve things the DAY they happen. This mostly comes from my impatient nature. I can’t STAND to wait! God can bring good from anything, right!?<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t be a Princess (or Prince)<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are ourselves. We all have a hard time remembering that we are just one side of the story. Because we live in OUR head, and we hear all OUR arguments, we reason out the injustices done to us and feel OUR pain. We don\u2019t live, hear, reason or feel what our spouses do. We just see their faces and hear their voices, and when they\u2019re mad, that might not engender much sympathy.<\/p>\n

Often, when I\u2019m mad, I have to go off to my room, shut myself in, lie on the bed and calm myself down enough to be able to consider the issue from my husband\u2019s perspective. Even if I\u2019m obviously RIGHT, sometimes doing that can help me see a bit of reality: He did travel out of town the past three days and stayed up with the baby last night. He\u2019s really, really tired and I should cut him some slack. Or, I can consider of how my words might have sounded to him. In light of what he\u2019s been going through lately, I can better understand how my they hurt him, even if I didn\u2019t intend it.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we really do just need to stop thinking we\u2019re so perfect and righteous in order to be able to understand how our spouse feels.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Take a break \u2013 clear your mind, but don\u2019t mull or blab<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes mulling only brews more anger. Maybe you need a break. Go for a walk. Go to the store, play a game of Go Fish with the kids. Get your mind off the topic for a bit. Many times, I have found that after stepping away, and removing the emotion from the topic, I can come back and look at the issue that caused our disagreement and realize that it really wasn\u2019t that big of a deal after all!<\/p>\n

Be respectful. Even if you\u2019re angry or upset, there is rarely a time when it is necessary for you to blab to a friend or even a family member. Once everything is resolved, you will usually regret revealing that intimate part of marriage to someone else. Be careful of calling a girlfriend, or complaining over a beer with a friend.\u00a0 When we\u2019re angry, we are hardly ever fair, and will usually not give the complete story. That never ends well.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Dig Deeper \u2013 what is the real reason you\u2019re angry?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes you\u2019re really not angry about what you think you\u2019re angry about! And that\u2019s just not fair. What can your spouse do if you\u2019re throwing old emotions or misdirecting anger at him? He has no CHANCE! If you feel some burst of anger pop out of nowhere, there might be something more there. Think about things for a while.\u00a0 Try to find the root cause, so that you can really deal with the issue and move on.<\/p>\n

I remember one August getting very upset that my husband wasn’t available to go purchase school supplies as a family. I was so very put out… I think he thought I was a bit nuts. But, after a few minutes of reflection, I realized that I wasn’t really mad that he didn’t want to go buy school supplies. I was really just overwhelmed in general about the end of another summer, and the beginning of a new school year – my kids were growing up, and I was a little shaken! And I took it out on my poor husband!<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Pray<\/strong><\/p>\n

Seriously, pray. Don\u2019t pray that God will show your spouse how right you are. Don\u2019t pray that God will comfort you in your agony.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t pray selfishly!<\/p>\n

But, rather, pray for God to grant you the virtue of humility. Pray for the gifts of the Holy Spirit, promised to you when you entered into a sacramental marriage, to be poured out. Pray that God will help YOU to love more, act with kindness, and be a better servant. God will take care of the rest.<\/p>\n

“To love is to cherish one thought, to live for the person loved, not to belong to oneself, happily and freely with one’s heart and soul to be subjected to another will … and at the same time to one’s own.”\u00a0 \u2013 St. Josemaria Escriva<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0It\u2019s okay to apologize first<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because sometimes, it just doesn\u2019t really matter. I don\u2019t know how many times my husband has come up to me, given me a hug, and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d He wasn\u2019t stating who was right and who was wrong. He wasn\u2019t saying, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u2026 that you messed up!\u201d In his mind, and in his voice, he conveyed that he was sorry that we fought. \u201cI love you. I don\u2019t want to fight. You\u2019re my best friend. I\u2019m sorry.”<\/p>\n

“You are more important than my feelings.”<\/em><\/p>\n

It takes great humility to apologize sincerely.\u00a0 It\u2019s SO hard. But it feels good to let that resentment and anger go.\u00a0 And sometimes, when one person is willing to start, the other follows. That first step of love and humility can soften hearts and bring the rest of the issue out in the open with an attitude of love and a true desire for resolution.<\/p>\n

8.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m sorry, but\u2026\u201d Is NEVER okay<\/strong><\/p>\n

We have a \u201cNo \u2018I\u2019m sorry, but\u2026\u2019 Rule\u201d in our home, with our children, with each other. If you\u2019re ready to apologize, then you\u2019re either in, or you\u2019re out.\u00a0 If you say something like, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but that was a really stupid thing to do!\u201d\u2026 guess what? No dice. You\u2019re back at square one, or worse. Make sure your apology can hold water and be taken seriously. Make sure that you are able to be sincere, or wait. And remember, your body language speaks volumes. Make sure that your face, your eyes and your voice echo what you feel.<\/p>\n

9.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 Don\u2019t be afraid to ask for help when necessary<\/strong>
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

You may think everyone else\u2019s marriage is perfect and you\u2019re the only couple who has struggled. That\u2019s NOT true. I bet you\u2019d be surprised how many couples you know who have gone to a wise priest for advice, been on a marriage retreat or gone to some sort of marriage counseling. Sometimes loving enough to admit you need a bit of help is the greatest gift you can give your spouse.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re weak, or that you have failed. You\u2019re just looking for some outside, detached, well-informed perspectives. It might just be the best thing you\u2019ve ever done for your marriage. So, don\u2019t afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.<\/p>\n

10.\u00a0\u00a0 Be thankful, and love.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Practice love. Remember the good things, and bring them to mind often. Make a habit of speaking well of your spouse. Say something nice on Facebook, praise her to her boss at the Christmas party. Tell him you\u2019re proud of what he does. Tell him you love the way he mows the grass like clockwork or the taste of his sweet rolls on Saturday mornings. Remember those things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. And bring them to mind often.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like strength training. If you go to the gym regularly, and routinely repeat those things that will make you strong, when you\u2019re thrown into a tough moment \u2013 that hike up the mountain when you\u2019ve had little sleep and it\u2019s starting to rain (yes, this just happened to me recently!) \u2013 the strength you\u2019ve built up over time will carry you through. You will be strong when you need to be.\u00a0 Even in those unexpected moments.<\/p>\n

It is the same with love. Give yourself some strength. The Lord has given you two to each other, to wear down the rough edges, to help you become the person he intends you to be, to bring you closer to Himself by bringing you closer to your spouse. Rejoice in the confidence of God’s faithfulness to your marriage, and be faithful to each other.<\/p>\n

“You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working, and just so, you learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves.” \u2028-St. Francis de Sales<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We may not like to talk about it, but if you’re married, you’ve been there. How do we deal with our anger in marriage? How do we argue? How do we reconcile? We all have different ways of handling our differences with our spouse, but here are a few things I’ve learned over the 13… [Read More]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":98,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"_wpas_customize_per_network":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[88],"tags":[50,2890,2825,193,81],"class_list":{"0":"post-20999","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-marriage-blog","7":"tag-faith","8":"tag-family","9":"tag-issues","10":"tag-love","11":"tag-marriage","12":"entry","13":"has-post-thumbnail"},"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":131649,"url":"https:\/\/atxcatholic.com\/index.php\/2015\/07\/the-hidden-sweetness-of-marriage-humanum-part-four\/","url_meta":{"origin":20999,"position":0},"title":"The Hidden Sweetness of Marriage (Review: Humanum Series, Part Four)","author":"Lindsay Wilcox","date":"July 21, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Marriage is hard.\" I don't quite know when it happened, but at some point, that became a movement. 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